Pray for those who persecute you

Today in church John Mark talked about the passage from Matthew 5: 38-48. It's about loving your enemy, forgiving them, and praying for those who persecute you. It's filled with creative ways to bring about healing and change not only in your personal life but in the life or lives of those who you act kindly to even though you really don't want to. As a church goer and christian on a good amount of years, I've heard this before and thought "yeah I know, I need to be nice to people I don't like...cool." It hadn't ever hit me the way it did today.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew exactly why. In the past year and a half I met someone who I thought was going to be a good long time friend and it turned out to be the exact opposite. This person tried and succeeded at splitting apart a friendship between me and another guy and then even attempted at ruining my now husband and I's relationship. Long story short, through the course of time, great pain was caused to not only myself but to Andrew as well. It was like having a hot poker driven through my heart when I learned the truth about this person and all the things that they had told me but ended up being lies. Instantly I started conjuring up the utmost disrespectful and spiteful things to say and do. I wanted to call them and just start spewing venomous words to them, I wanted to make them not only realize the pain they cause be, but do it unto them as well. Each time I thought of them a surge of fierce anger would swell inside me and turn me into this angry, contentious woman, someone that I'm not and did not want to turn into.

For months one end I let this brew in my heart, festering and putrefying all sweetness and love. I would say "oh I forgive them, everything is okay." but inside it was not true. I hadn't forgiven them, nor had I forgot. I remembered every single stabbing word they said to me and it ate away at me. I smiled less, laughed less, loved less and slowly but surely moved away from the Lord. I did so because I knew exactly what He would tell me should I pray or read His word "Olivia, you need to forgive. Forgive and let go, don't keep thinking about it, because then you give it power, power over you. Love them the way that I do for I created you both in my image and love you the same."

Today, as John Mark spoke, those words came into my head and I couldn't help but cry bitter sweet tears. How could God love them the same?!? Did He not see how much pain and sorrow this person had caused me? He did see it and knew it had happened but, as for everything in our lives, there is a purpose, and that purpose was to teach me how to forgive someone of the most awful things I have ever personally experienced. To teach me how to love the way that He loves.

So at the end of the sermon, we got communion and circled up in groups of 3-4 and prayed for those who persecute(d) us. I soooo did NOT want to pray for this person but I did. Then after church, on the drive home (I was by myself), I cried to God to help me truly forgive this person. I confessed how hard it was and that I didn't want to, I asked for forgiveness for all the hatred I had harbored toward them and then, before I knew it I said, "Lord I forgive them! I forgive them with all my heart and everything that is within me! Teach me to love them the way you do, see them the way you do. I don't want to think of them like I have been. I let it go and forgive them."

I can not explain the way I feel now, but it's as if I'm 20 pounds lighter. I feel joyful and relieved, free from the captivity of a spirit of vengefulness and loathing.

Thank you Jesus.

Serving like never before

I've served in church, volunteered at pregnancy resource center, worked with middle schoolers both at church and at outdoor school, but nothing is as rewarding and lovely as serving my husband. At bible study we've been talking about praying for your husband when you're frustrated instead of letting your tongue run wild and end up saying things you don't mean or doing things you don't mean. To serve him gladly and with a warm heart rather than punish him with a cold shoulder or cutting remarks.

I took these practices in conjunction with how a knoble wife is described in Proverbs 31, and started trying my hardest to apply them. Trust me, it has not been a cake walk. There are mornings, like today, where we had a very short, but slightly harsh conversation about money and in my mind, as soon as it was over, I stone walk him. I didn't want to talk or interact. I went about getting ready as quickly as I could and did not make him a good breakfast, instead I heated up a piece of lemon loaf from starbucks with a banana on the side. I didn't leave without hugging and kissing him though, because by then I had softened up and felt like I had to force myself to.

One of the girls in my bible study mentioned to me reading the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" and how much it really helped her in her marraige and now it's stronger and better than ever. So, naturally, I was eager to read it and my grandma had actually given it to me when I got married. I have started reading it and about 3 pages in to the introduction started crying, maybe it's because I'm on my period or maybe it's because it really opened up my heart so that I could see my sins and how I was hindering our marraige rather than helping it by having too high of expectations and not willing to die to myself and be submissive instead of strong headed. I don't mean submissive as in a door mat but in the sense of letting go of always wanting to do what I want and do things my way.

Nevertheless, serving him the previous days and nights to this post has brought so much joy to my heart and a stronger love for my husband. To see his eyes light up when he comes home to a hot dinner, even if it's just chicken and rice, makes me that much more excited to see him. Rubbing his feet after work when he doesn't expect it and hearing the satisfactory sigh as he relaxes, helps me relax too.

My discipleship leader likes to quote this a lot and it is beautiful, but I didn't really realize just how beautiful until now:

"I slept and dream that life was all joy. I awaoke and saw that life was but service. I served and understood that service was joy."  -Rabindranath Tagore (an indian poet)

Psalm 61:8 "So will I ever sing praises to Your name, as I perform my vows day after day."

Late night

Tonight I went to one of the most positively outstanding book groups I've ever been to. All the women there were so open, honest, and easy to get along with. I don't know a few of them very well yet but I'm excited to. There was delicious food and drinks galore, all put together on in a beautiful arrangement of different sized cake plates, various colors and shapes of other dishes. It was almost like a fancy feast of finger foods.

Aside from the edible, the book is fantastic. Talking about and how we each interpreted things whether it was similar or different proved to be quite interesting. The book is called "The Red Tent" and is about the Old Testament story of Rachel, Leah, and their other sisters and Jacob. It was weird for me at first reading about their lives, picturing the way they looked based off the authors words. All I've ever known is what's written in the Bible. There's nothing that's unbiblical about how're they're described, it's just a real eye opener.

I enjoyed every minute of time I spent with those women, especially Tiff and Bailey.

Till next time.

The first of many

It's been a little over 3 months since Andrew and I were married and everyday is a learning process, one that I wouldn't trade for the world. We've had our ups and our downs and everything in between. There are times when I want to be so mad and frustrated with him but I just can't. He has such a humble and loving heart couppled with a tenacious, hardworking and diligent spirit. He is a man I turly honor, respect and cherish.

Andrew has taught me how to de-stress my life and not get so worked up over the little things, and even the big ones to. He reminds me each time I do "Olivia, the Lord will take care of everything you need, there's no need to worry." I can't thank the Lord enough for the blessing of such a wonderful husband. He picks me up late from work, let's me buy treats almost every time we go grocery shopping, helps me with homework, gives me foot massages, and the the list goes on.

Learning to live together has been some what of a challenge. I think our room has been completely cleaned...at least three times since we moved into our place in August. We're both so busy, the last thing we think about when we get home is folding up our clothes or putting them in the hamper. More often than not, they end up on the floor along with shoes, books, and bags. I'm personally not used to having to grocery shop for someone else as well as myself, so I've made the mistake several times of not really buying him anyfood persae, in the sense that I buy mostly food that I would eat.

One thing that I don't want to get in the habbit of that we are slowly moving into, is not making time to be romantic and intimate with one another. I don't want to just stay in strict, professional school mode all the time and always say "I can't I have to study" or "I have way too much stuff going on right now, there's no time for this." Without a lot of extra money it's hard to go out on a date night. If anyone has ideas, please pass them my way :).

Anyway, it's late and I'm at work so I should probably get back to actually working.

Much love,
-Olivia


Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."